um?

i have so many things to say about this:

1. at first i thought it was a regular guy wearing shoes on his knees (like that tim conway as dorf? no? no one knows who dorf is but me and my grandma? well get to googlin' people!) and then he sorta turned around during on of his more rigorous thrusts and i realized that i was very, very wrong.

2. what the hell is he singing for 3 and a half minutes because it sure isn't the words to the songs!

3. not that i'm surprised, but "CD's" should be spelled "CDs" and "prepared to be amazed" should have been "prepare to be amazed." maybe they preferred to let the dancing speak for itself?

4. the guy knows how to thrust with vigor but doesn't know the chicken dance??! was he the only little person available and willing to dance to a variety of awkward and awful song snippets? they couldn't find someone with more dance moves other than arms-out-wiggle and the uncomfortable-for-us-but-unfortunately-not-for-him pelvic pump?

5. really? the oompa loompa song? that's not just ironic, that's sorta cruel... well, in a horribly funny way.

is it going to far to say that this is singularly the best video ever made, ever? i don't think so.

i don't think so.

tenacious bee

i met a friend today for lunch and we decided to grab some food and eat it at ryerson in this lovely little green space they have in the middle of campus. it was a good idea in theory. in practice? it turned out to bee (ha! pun!) one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

things started out great - we picked a lovely bench in the back corner of the field under a leafy, shady, quiet tree and sat down to our chicken, rice, salad, and potatoes (all for under $6!). as we're outside, i'm not surprised when a bee or two frantically buzzes our way to check out our delicious (under $6!) lunch. i mean, it is pretty yummy so i don't blame them for being curious/jealous/hungry and so i let them dance their dizzying bee dance over and around my (under $6!) lunch.

before long, however, 6 or 7 of their bee friends come over and decide to join in on the party. i realize then that the seemingly random flying pattern of the first 2 bees wasn't actually random at all and that i was one of those crazy bee signal things that give the other bees directions to where the food is.

traitors! bastards!

and you know, it might have been fine even with all the extra company if it wasn't for the fact that a particularly courageous bee decided to land on my (under $6!) lunch and start snacking of his own accord. no one, i mean no one, just grabs my (under $6 or otherwise) lunch without asking me! so we decide to get up and move to a new location and give the bees the brush off.

... except that the bees have none of this and they follow us halfway across the field and begin the holding pattern above my rice again. again! and this time it's worse because they've recruited more hungry friends and now i have two particularly courageous bees in my (under $6!) lunch. they've also started to organize themselves so as i'm trying to shoo the bees eating my chicken away, i've now got 3-4 bees in and around my face trying to distract me and/or make me insane.

the worst part? it worked. i pride myself on not being girly-girl around insects of any sort and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) judge other girls when they scream and run and cry when they see a spider or a wasp or a giant hissing moth that darts at their eyes with its pokey tentacles. but these bees got the best of me... i jumped up, started running frantically in circles trying to lose them, and - oh yes i did - started screaming. loudly.

okay. maybe that wasn't the worst part. the worst part was that after all of that, i still didn't lose the bees and they were still eating my (under $6!) lunch and still flying into my face to taunt me. one even got caught in my hand... twice!

i was so shaken up by the bee in hand thing that we had to get up again and move to a new location. but even though we were walking really, really fast, we still had - and i'm not joking, not even a little bit - 2 or 3 bees still following us the whole way! we finally lost them after we crossed through the underpass into the street, backtracked down an alley, waded through the river to douse our scent, used pine branches to cover our footsteps, and parked our hungry behinds on the rocks by the pigeon pool on the other side of campus.

the rest of our lunch was passed in quiet bee-free bliss.

...until the bees found us again and i tried to drown myself in the dirty pigeon pool.

moral of the story: my sanity is worth more than $6. also: bees are assholes.

the ups and downs of biking

um? i had an interesting ride tonight...

i'll give you the good first: i am so fucking awesome at biking now!!

when i first started i was slow and sweaty and surly. now i'm fast and sweaty and (slighty less) surly! the hills are easier, i'm in higher gears, and my heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode from the exertion. i'm really really REALLY pleased with my progress. if i put this in zombie terms for you, i'm pretty sure i could go faster than an elderly zombie who had just eaten and maybe wasn't chasing me with the gusto of a hungry, younger, fitter zombie.

yay!

now for the bad: all my new biking skillz did not prevent me from almost crashing into TWO seperate bikers tonight, one of whom was a small child whose father freaked out on me.

being the emotional, sensitive girl i am i immediately felt awful and totally guilty. but then i realized that it totally wasn't my fault! it's not the kid's either, because he's just a kid and new to a bike. it was, however, completely his dad's fault since he let his novice child ride in a busy bike intersection without really watching him closely. i, thank goodness, was watching him so i was able to sorta predict his move and swerve out of the way in time to avoid hitting him dead on - but not before he panicked, braked hard, fell over, and set his dad off on me. eep.

having had two freak near-accidents this evening, i feel like there must be a lesson to be learned through it (naturally). in both cases i was paying so much attention to the other person's moves that i lost all confidence in my own. had i just gone straight ahead on the path i was intending to take with confidence, i would have avoided both bikers all together. they would have been able to predict my path easily and avoid me.

now, bear with me a minute... because isn't this exactly what i should do with my life, as well? i find that oftentimes i get lost in the worlds' and opinions' of others and allow myself to be diverted from my own path because of them. if i was just confident and true to my own path, my ride through life would be a lot smoother.

...what? they can't all be posts about oral sex!

you're either fat or you give good head

omg. you HAVE to watch this.

the whole video is a thing of beauty, but the best best best part happens right at the end.

suck it, skinny girls!

(oh, wait. that's right. you can't.)

the best thing that ever happened to me??!

I'm in my bed right now. Listening to music. Checked all my websites already this morning (nerd alert!!). In fact I've only gotten up to pee so far. So you know, whatever. Just posting this blog from my bed... No biggie.

I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that the iPod touch has changed my life forever.

Okay. I'm going to go watch superbad now.

(cue the violins.)

(I bet the iPod touch can even do that too!!!!!!!!)

how was YOUR morning??!

Picture it:

Me, standing at the corner of Avenue and Eglinton, waiting for the bus. I pull out and turn on my ipod and notice my headphone cord is all twisted so I begin to unravel it carefully. Not carefully enough, clearly, as my ipod becomes unattached from the headphones, bounces into the street and…

FALLS INTO THE SEWER.

THE SEWER FULL OF WATER.

And with a sickening and accusatory plomp my beloved ipod is lost forever, like that dude at the end of Titanic.

Beat that.

yeah, but can you outride the ZOMBIES?!

so i decided my biking goal for the year (yes, year. i like to give myself a very achievable goal. it improves my self-esteem.) is to go fast enough to outride zombies, should the apocalypse happen and i need to get the hell out of dodge. so far, i figure i might be able to go faster than a one-legged zombie or small child zombie. that doesn't sound like much, but when i first started i probably couldn't go faster than ANY zombie so i consider this a great achievement.

so if you can't already tell i had a great ride tonight. i was able to make it up a few big climbs in a high gear and didn't feel like my heart was going to come hurtling out of my mouth and tell me to fuck off. i feel stronger and faster and less of an embarassment to my super-fit, love-to-bike-bike-bike company. one day i may start taking up the ride to work again or even join in on one of the after-work rides. (but i make no promises.)

it's funny - i actually was dreading going out tonight and trying to find excuses not to go. i'm just feeling a little blah today. it's actually a little disconcerting as i've felt so good lately (better than i ever have, actually). and i'm also at the point in my life where i'm ready for the yay!s and awww!s and ooooh!s so today was sorta starting to feel like a step back. (in other words, it was back to the wah-wah!s and boo-hoo!s.)

who knew that a little bike ride and 5 (yes, 5! i know, i'm awesome!) big hills would make me feel better??!

so bring it, one-legged and small child zombies. it's on!

things you should know about a games night at melissa's

1. she will cook too much pasta

2. she will spill wine or be part of a wine spill at least twice in the evening

3. if there are cupcakes, she will eat them

4. she'll be the one making inappropriate jokes about her cats, but she'll make you think it wasn't her

5. she's a whizz with a wine stain on her pretty new dress and cardi (see #2)

6. she'll leave the dishes until the morning, just because she can!

sunday morning math

annoying neighbour watching war movies on full blast at 12.30am
+
my burnt english muffin setting off the fire alarm at 9.30am the next morning
=
sweet, sweet revenge.

things in a box?

things in a box is:

A. a song by justin timberlake about stuffing his junk into a christmas present?

B. a fun party game that mixes balderdash with too-much-information-about-the-way-your-coworkers-think?

C. what my apartment is going to look like with 9 people stuffed into it next friday?

D. B & C?

for the record, i'm giving answer A an honourary vote seeing as it's my favourite song. (seriously, how can you not love a song that combines dicks, boxes, creepy facial hair, and justin timberlake??)

even dogs can be douchebags

so i was minding my business in the park this afternoon after work (ie trying to get a bit of a tan going on my pasty white face) when a dog came up to the tree i was leaning against and started peeing. being the animal-savvy lady i am, i saw him sniffing around before he actually aimed and lifted , so I was able to move out of the way in time.

what really grinds my gears, though, is that pre-pee i asked him politely, "please don't pee on my tree doggie!" and the stupid jerk clearly disregarded my friendly request. the nerve!

PS -- if i wasn't already 100% sure of the dog's douchebag-status, he promptly proved beyond a doubt what an asshole he was: after peeing on my tree he ran over back to his doggie friends and started trying to hump them. they were too quick for him though, so he just ended up humping the air.

like i said? douchebag.

smoochie smoochie

ah, the first kiss... so innocent, so pure, so... sloppy.

i waited for what seemed like an eternity for my first kiss. somewhere along the line i guess i decided i was going to hold out for Something Perfect and so i waited. and waited. i was just about to get mee to a nunnery when fate stepped in and kicked my overly-analytical self in the ass.

i was out with a couple of girlfriends driving around sudbury (of course!) and we were actually about to call it a night when we ran into a couple of familiar faces (we recognized them from our high school - they were 3 years ahead of us) in the parking lot where i was dropping my friend back off at her car. i don't even know why we all started chatting or how we ended up making plans but next thing i know the 5 of us were in the valley (of course!) on a beach until nearly 5am.

nothing happened that night, nor the next when they showed up at our work's weekley kareoke lame-fest. but i was interested. very interested. so much so that (you might want to be sitting for this part) i showed up at his house unexpectedly one day to "catch up" (i still can't believe i did that). email addresses were exchanged and much online chatting ensued.

a couple of weeks of this holding pattern ensued and eventually movie plans were made and had. afterwards we opted for more driving around the city (of course!) and we ended up off long lake road high up on a hill with an amazing view of the lake (that was totally not my plan *cough*). i was too nervous to make the first move so i waited for something to happen for - wait for it - TWO HOURS.

finally, i gave up and suggested we drive back home, which must have clued him in. (i guess the dark, secluded area wasn't enough of a tip?) he couldn't believe that he hadn't realized sooner why i had brought him up there.

so there, in my pretty red jeep in the dark in the middle of nowhere and to the sound of the rain outside, i had my first kiss.

for the girl who waited all that time for Something Perfect, it sorta was.

EPILOGUE

before you get all "awww" on me, don't worry, it ended up going down in flames eventually. something about me catching him the back of a police car? or me telling him i "really, really liked him" in the middle of the dance floor at a club in guelph?

ah, but nevermind all that. let's just focus on the Something Perfect, shall we?

thunderstorm: a story in pictures

can you guess which one shows the lighting? if you get it right you get a cookie!*

*no you don't.

and getting caught in the rain?

dear jimmy buffett,

the answer to your question is no. no i do not like getting caught in the rain.

today marks the second day this weekend that i've been caught unawares in the middle of a crazy ass thunderstorm and i'm not happy about it. sure, today may have been partly my fault: the sky was sorta starting to darken when i took my bike out for a spin and we'd already had 2 thunderstorms already earlier in the day. regardless, how was i supposed to know i didn't have time enough to pedal my ass up the huge hill and back before i got caught in the middle of it? how?

no fair, jimmy buffett. no fair.

best,
melissa

PS you can shove your pina colada too, mister.

oi! let's go england!

i don't know if it was all the finger crossing or what, but i am happy to report i am not drunk tonight! woo! i am, however, tired and sentimental. (a fate worse that drunk? let's see how this plays out.)

first, the non-weepy part of my day. (yay!) I SAW MY FIRST RUGBY MATCH! i am in love - it's the best damn game ever! it combines all my favourite parts of football with a no-holds-barred attitude towards tackling and it moves at a much more frantic (read: not boring) pace than the nfl. it doesn't hurt that all the men are buff, sweaty, and burly. it's like watching a male supermodel pageant but with more swears and shorter shorts. (okay, some of the guys seriously looked like they had been hit upside the head with a 2x4. but thankfully they weren't the ones doing all the running and touchdown-ing in my end of the field.)

in other words: mmmmmmmmm.

also exciting (yay!) was that i got to practice my standard driving! i've only been out once before and i wasn't very successful. i find it interesting that you can throw 5 gears into the mix and i'm completely lost, yet i'm otherwise an extremely confident and able driver. after many stalls and jerky starts i sorta have the hang of it. (next step: get super fit on a bike so that i can become a tour guide in italy. DREAM BIG!)

the mellow part of my night (golf claps!) may have been quiet but was equally lovely. i hung out with my buddy morgan and made a delicious pasta and then went for a walk and talked about life. i'm telling you, sometimes you find commonality with someone else in places you'd least expect it. if all walks were like the one we took tonight, i'd invest in better shoes.

i really wanted to post my pictures of the rugby game. hopefully once i've caught up on my chores tomorrow i can carve out some time for this. i've also deferred my saturday crossword ritual to tomorrow, so who knows what kind of time i'll have after that's done.

...hopefully most of the clues are easily google-able and it doesn't take me 4 hours to finish it this time.

wait. what?

not what i expected

yeesh. tonight was crazy. since it's already after midnight and i should really be hittin the hay, i'm going to make a list instead of write in full sentences. (take that all of my elementary school teachers. i make the rules now!) here are all the crazy parts of my night.

1. drunk by 7pm. and not just any drunk, the kind of drunk where you have to concentrate on walking straight so you don't look like a jackass in front of coworkers. and then cut yourself off before you almost fall off your chair again.

2. saw 3 really hilarious plays, sobered up midway through the 1st one, thank god.

3. got caught in the wickedest thunder storm we had so far this year. i'm talking torrential downpour, crazy thunder, lightening so bright the skies lit up, and wind that makes the rain blow sideways. best part? i was walking in it. the restaurants in the distillery district were "full to capacity" and wouldn't let us wait inside so we took refuge in a crazy art gallery/store. it was actually my first time in the distillery district and i have to say that i'm not impressed. not because it wasn't lovely (because i'm sure it is) but because it rained so hard. (i'm easy to sway.)

4. spent rest of night soaked to the bone and freezing.

now i'm home and i've got the post-drunk blues. tomorrow i vow to have a post that is neither trying too hard nor influenced by outside substances.

start crossing your fingers now, people.

the belt line

went for another awesome ride tonight. i realized how slow i let myself go normally because i was biking with steph so i had to work extra hard to keep up. (not that she was trying to go fast, mind you. i'm just that out of shape after 2 years in my low rider office chair. complete with theme song!)

on the way back home after the ride (and after our park bench sesh wherein we made about 4 new friends in the matter of 1/2 an hour) i decided to yet again tackled the Dreaded Avenue Road Hill. (yes capitols. it's really freaking hard!) on my way up i realized that the way i bike up the hill is a lot like the way i work at the office. (humour me.)

1. i am an expert multitasker: whether it be balancing multiple projects or trying not to die while keeping my feet pedalling at a steady pace, i am a pro at juggling many things at once. (sometimes it feels like my heart is falling out of my body. awesome!)

2. i work hard where it counts: both at the office and on the bike, the game is mental and i am my best chearleader. (come on melissa! you're almost home! you can have nachos when you get in!)

3. i persevere: i never half finish a project at work, just like i never half finish a hill. (so what if i keep pedalling only because it's slightly faster than walking and i really, really had to pee.)

and finally

4. i am extremely motivated: you don't have to ask me twice to take on a project or pedal a little faster. (again. really, really had to pee.)

i'm totally adding these points to my resume.

oh, the things i saw!

today was awesome! within the span of half an hour i saw the following:

1. a man with PAINTED ON eyebrows. and not just any sort of painted on eyebrows... painted on eyebrows that looked like milhouse's from the simpsons. (i'd post a picture to give you a visual but i'm scared of the simpson's lawyers.) they were painted-on black rectangles. rectangles!

2. an older-ish woman in a low cut black top. without a bra. on a bumpy bus. who subsequently made an old guy very happy by chatting him up about books for the entire time i was on the bus. i'm pretty sure she could have been talking about dryer lint and gramps would have still been as enraptured with the... conversation

and here's the sweet one:

3. a man who had obviously had a stroke walking slowly but surely down the bike/walk path by myself. even though he had trouble with his left foot (he sorta had to drag it a little) and his progress was slow, he was out and about in the fresh air and getting some exersize. inspirational.

as a result of #3, i vow never to complain about how much i hate to break a sweat anymore. (did i say never? how about for the next 2 days?)

when jokes go bad!

alternate blog title: why you shouldn't confuse the poor foreign kids working at fast food restaurants.

the scene: mcdonald's at bay and dundas

the cast: me, the asshole who REFUSES to eat any condiment of any sort at any time, and the meek foreign cashier with limited english skills

essential information: there's a salmonella outbreak in the states so some restaurants in canada have temporarily removed tomatoes from their menus, mcdonald's being one of said restaurants.

me: hi. i'll have a regular burger with only lettuce, onions, and pickles. oh, and can you make sure to put on extra EXTRA tomatoes, please?

cashier, stone-faced and concentrating hard on punching in my special requests: only lettuce, onions, pickles --

me, interuppting because he clearly didn't get my hilarious joke about tomatoes: you know i was joking about the tomatoes, right?

cashier, more confused than ever: yes?

...

so my order comes up, i pop a squat to devour my burger and lo and behold i see that there is mayo on my burger. LOTS of mayo on my burger. i check out my order slip and this is what i see:

burger
ONLY onion, pickle, lettuce
EXTRA mayo $

so i put on my detective cap and realize that the cashier thought i said extra MAYO instead of tomato. and he charged me extra for said mayo. which is a condiment. which is something i hate more than outhouses and unibrows combined.

despite the offending white stuff, i was a bit relieved to be honest: at least i knew then why the cashier didn't laugh at my awesome joke.

cause i mean really? that was a-grade material.

back in the saddle

i went for my first bike ride of the season tonight. yes, tonight... after the most humid day we've experienced thus far this summer. (i thought it was a good idea at the time?)

i knew i was in for it when i got to the air machine (is that even what it's called? it sounds like a really bad 80s hair band!) and instead of being free like it was a MONTH ago, it now costs $1 per fill up. wtf? $1 for air?! the thing i breathe every freaking day for free?! i shouldn't complain though... our gas stations obviously need the money more than i do, so in the end i was happy to give them my hard-earned loonie for air. they deserve it. (cough. cough.)

i guess the loss of change must have thrown off my balance though because as i stepped down off of the curb to fill my tires i twisted my ankle. (yes, again.) and since this happens so often i didn't even stop to assess, i just hopped on my bike and continued with my ride anyways. (don't they have a gold medal for being a trooper? no?)

1/2 an hour and 2 gallons of sweat later, i'm home. and in one piece. and with a swollen ankle. and a sore butt.

the upside? i'm pretty sure with just the sweat alone i lost 5 lbs! at this rate i'll be in a bikini by july!

...

wait, what?