Sunday, March 08, 2009

March Malltercations

There is an overwhelming abundance of assholes in this city right now. Is it the sudden change in temperature? The failing economy? The daylight savings adjustment? I don't know, but I am one unsettling incident away from standing on a street corner with one of those giant "FREE HUGS" signs to try to cheer Toronto up. Yeesh. See below for a recount of one of the meanest, more horrible things to happen to me at the hands of a stranger. Note to my readers: don't get in the way of some average middle-aged man at 7pm on a Saturday night because he's got places to go, dude. Places to go!

Read on......................................................

so. i went to see the watchmen tonight with a friend (mmmm billy crudup wang) at the busy theatre in the mall by my house. i enter the building and cut through the bookstore and go upstairs to get to the theatre entrance. as i reach the top of the stairs, i swung my arm back (as one naturally does when walking or climbing stairs) and gently knocked someone behind me that was clearly right on my tail. he said "excuse me", which i took to mean "sorry for being on your tail old chum", and we kept going.

i rounded the corner was just before the doorway into the mall when i feel hands grab my shoulders and push me out of the way - not so violently that i fell into anything or was knocked over, but forcefully enough that it was obvious that it was an angry shove. i look over and the dude from the stairway is blowing past me and shoots me a look of anger. "fuck him," thought i, cause who the fuck puts their hands on me and shoves me??! so i say to him "what the hell buddy??!" as he's walking away and he whips back around at me and i shit you not yells this in front of the HUGE crowd of people milling in front of the theatre:

"well get out of the way you fat ass! your ass is so fat no one can get around you! i said excuse me and you didn't move. you're so fat! fat ass!"

no. no. not joking. he actually said that.

he was so angry and yelling so loudly that i decided to pull out my "hey, look at you crazy!" line that throws people off guard - so as he was screaming at me and calling me fat ass all i said back to him super condescendingly was "you know what? have a fabulous day. no seriously, have a fabulous day. really. fabulous. have a fabulous day."

in melissa speak, it means "wow, you sure are bat shit crazy. do you see how crazy you are? you physically put your hands on me and are now calling me fat in front of hundreds of people so that you can get to where you are going 10 seconds faster. really, think about that - 10 motherfucking seconds. you are NUTS."

the first time i said it he just sort of looked at me, shocked at my reaction. i think it must have made him angrier because it was about that time that he starting going off on exactly how fat my ass is.

the things that bother me most about the story is as follows:

1. that there are people that angry that exist in the world

2. that a man physically put his hands on me, a stranger and a woman

3. that he resorted to calling me fat etc. first thing, instead of myriad other reactions he could have had... it's a true sign of a man's douch-y-ness and intelligence that he resorts to calling a woman fat straight out of the gate. it's a low blow (no woman ever wants to hear the dreaded "f" word) and an obvious sign of a bully losing control. ugh.

4. that it's a saturday night - where the fuck is he in such a rush to get to that he needs to touch me and then verbally berate me in front of a crowd? crazy busy rush hour on the subway? i mean, i could have at least understood a little - but it's the fucking weekend, dude!

it also bothered me that he said it in front of a huge crowd of people, so obviously i was embarassed. blergggg.

Whatever, though. To paraphrase from a Sex and the City: I don't really care that much because I get to go on being me ie awesome, and that dude is stuck being him ie abusive and angry. I definitely win in this situation, no?

In other news: the medium popcorn I subsequently enjoyed at the theatre tasted extra delicious, in case you're wondering.



Liana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liana said...

Okay, so I removed my comment because I must have written the word 'really' about a dozen times... That guy REALLY is a douche, I REALLY want to kick his ass, he must have a REALLY small penis, I REALLY want some popcorn...

Christi said...

holy cripes dude. this man has an anger problem! and you know what is funny and totally true, that it is not even you that looks bad in this situation. what an anger filled freak! I liked the line about it taking all of 10 seconds to prove that he is bat shit crazy

Laura said...

melissa, that dude SUCKS. you rock because you are a) a mraz fan, b) nice in person, and c) funny to boot.

so he can suck it and you can bet karma will shit on him later.

~laura (silvergurl)