Wednesday, August 27, 2008


i have so many things to say about this:

1. at first i thought it was a regular guy wearing shoes on his knees (like that tim conway as dorf? no? no one knows who dorf is but me and my grandma? well get to googlin' people!) and then he sorta turned around during on of his more rigorous thrusts and i realized that i was very, very wrong.

2. what the hell is he singing for 3 and a half minutes because it sure isn't the words to the songs!

3. not that i'm surprised, but "CD's" should be spelled "CDs" and "prepared to be amazed" should have been "prepare to be amazed." maybe they preferred to let the dancing speak for itself?

4. the guy knows how to thrust with vigor but doesn't know the chicken dance??! was he the only little person available and willing to dance to a variety of awkward and awful song snippets? they couldn't find someone with more dance moves other than arms-out-wiggle and the uncomfortable-for-us-but-unfortunately-not-for-him pelvic pump?

5. really? the oompa loompa song? that's not just ironic, that's sorta cruel... well, in a horribly funny way.

is it going to far to say that this is singularly the best video ever made, ever? i don't think so.

i don't think so.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

tenacious bee

i met a friend today for lunch and we decided to grab some food and eat it at ryerson in this lovely little green space they have in the middle of campus. it was a good idea in theory. in practice? it turned out to bee (ha! pun!) one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

things started out great - we picked a lovely bench in the back corner of the field under a leafy, shady, quiet tree and sat down to our chicken, rice, salad, and potatoes (all for under $6!). as we're outside, i'm not surprised when a bee or two frantically buzzes our way to check out our delicious (under $6!) lunch. i mean, it is pretty yummy so i don't blame them for being curious/jealous/hungry and so i let them dance their dizzying bee dance over and around my (under $6!) lunch.

before long, however, 6 or 7 of their bee friends come over and decide to join in on the party. i realize then that the seemingly random flying pattern of the first 2 bees wasn't actually random at all and that i was one of those crazy bee signal things that give the other bees directions to where the food is.

traitors! bastards!

and you know, it might have been fine even with all the extra company if it wasn't for the fact that a particularly courageous bee decided to land on my (under $6!) lunch and start snacking of his own accord. no one, i mean no one, just grabs my (under $6 or otherwise) lunch without asking me! so we decide to get up and move to a new location and give the bees the brush off.

... except that the bees have none of this and they follow us halfway across the field and begin the holding pattern above my rice again. again! and this time it's worse because they've recruited more hungry friends and now i have two particularly courageous bees in my (under $6!) lunch. they've also started to organize themselves so as i'm trying to shoo the bees eating my chicken away, i've now got 3-4 bees in and around my face trying to distract me and/or make me insane.

the worst part? it worked. i pride myself on not being girly-girl around insects of any sort and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) judge other girls when they scream and run and cry when they see a spider or a wasp or a giant hissing moth that darts at their eyes with its pokey tentacles. but these bees got the best of me... i jumped up, started running frantically in circles trying to lose them, and - oh yes i did - started screaming. loudly.

okay. maybe that wasn't the worst part. the worst part was that after all of that, i still didn't lose the bees and they were still eating my (under $6!) lunch and still flying into my face to taunt me. one even got caught in my hand... twice!

i was so shaken up by the bee in hand thing that we had to get up again and move to a new location. but even though we were walking really, really fast, we still had - and i'm not joking, not even a little bit - 2 or 3 bees still following us the whole way! we finally lost them after we crossed through the underpass into the street, backtracked down an alley, waded through the river to douse our scent, used pine branches to cover our footsteps, and parked our hungry behinds on the rocks by the pigeon pool on the other side of campus.

the rest of our lunch was passed in quiet bee-free bliss.

...until the bees found us again and i tried to drown myself in the dirty pigeon pool.

moral of the story: my sanity is worth more than $6. also: bees are assholes.

Monday, August 04, 2008

the ups and downs of biking

um? i had an interesting ride tonight...

i'll give you the good first: i am so fucking awesome at biking now!!

when i first started i was slow and sweaty and surly. now i'm fast and sweaty and (slighty less) surly! the hills are easier, i'm in higher gears, and my heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode from the exertion. i'm really really REALLY pleased with my progress. if i put this in zombie terms for you, i'm pretty sure i could go faster than an elderly zombie who had just eaten and maybe wasn't chasing me with the gusto of a hungry, younger, fitter zombie.


now for the bad: all my new biking skillz did not prevent me from almost crashing into TWO seperate bikers tonight, one of whom was a small child whose father freaked out on me.

being the emotional, sensitive girl i am i immediately felt awful and totally guilty. but then i realized that it totally wasn't my fault! it's not the kid's either, because he's just a kid and new to a bike. it was, however, completely his dad's fault since he let his novice child ride in a busy bike intersection without really watching him closely. i, thank goodness, was watching him so i was able to sorta predict his move and swerve out of the way in time to avoid hitting him dead on - but not before he panicked, braked hard, fell over, and set his dad off on me. eep.

having had two freak near-accidents this evening, i feel like there must be a lesson to be learned through it (naturally). in both cases i was paying so much attention to the other person's moves that i lost all confidence in my own. had i just gone straight ahead on the path i was intending to take with confidence, i would have avoided both bikers all together. they would have been able to predict my path easily and avoid me.

now, bear with me a minute... because isn't this exactly what i should do with my life, as well? i find that oftentimes i get lost in the worlds' and opinions' of others and allow myself to be diverted from my own path because of them. if i was just confident and true to my own path, my ride through life would be a lot smoother.

...what? they can't all be posts about oral sex!