Saturday, June 28, 2008

smoochie smoochie

ah, the first kiss... so innocent, so pure, so... sloppy.

i waited for what seemed like an eternity for my first kiss. somewhere along the line i guess i decided i was going to hold out for Something Perfect and so i waited. and waited. i was just about to get mee to a nunnery when fate stepped in and kicked my overly-analytical self in the ass.

i was out with a couple of girlfriends driving around sudbury (of course!) and we were actually about to call it a night when we ran into a couple of familiar faces (we recognized them from our high school - they were 3 years ahead of us) in the parking lot where i was dropping my friend back off at her car. i don't even know why we all started chatting or how we ended up making plans but next thing i know the 5 of us were in the valley (of course!) on a beach until nearly 5am.

nothing happened that night, nor the next when they showed up at our work's weekley kareoke lame-fest. but i was interested. very interested. so much so that (you might want to be sitting for this part) i showed up at his house unexpectedly one day to "catch up" (i still can't believe i did that). email addresses were exchanged and much online chatting ensued.

a couple of weeks of this holding pattern ensued and eventually movie plans were made and had. afterwards we opted for more driving around the city (of course!) and we ended up off long lake road high up on a hill with an amazing view of the lake (that was totally not my plan *cough*). i was too nervous to make the first move so i waited for something to happen for - wait for it - TWO HOURS.

finally, i gave up and suggested we drive back home, which must have clued him in. (i guess the dark, secluded area wasn't enough of a tip?) he couldn't believe that he hadn't realized sooner why i had brought him up there.

so there, in my pretty red jeep in the dark in the middle of nowhere and to the sound of the rain outside, i had my first kiss.

for the girl who waited all that time for Something Perfect, it sorta was.


before you get all "awww" on me, don't worry, it ended up going down in flames eventually. something about me catching him the back of a police car? or me telling him i "really, really liked him" in the middle of the dance floor at a club in guelph?

ah, but nevermind all that. let's just focus on the Something Perfect, shall we?

Monday, June 16, 2008

thunderstorm: a story in pictures

can you guess which one shows the lighting? if you get it right you get a cookie!*
*no you don't.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

and getting caught in the rain?

dear jimmy buffett,

the answer to your question is no. no i do not like getting caught in the rain.

today marks the second day this weekend that i've been caught unawares in the middle of a crazy ass thunderstorm and i'm not happy about it. sure, today may have been partly my fault: the sky was sorta starting to darken when i took my bike out for a spin and we'd already had 2 thunderstorms already earlier in the day. regardless, how was i supposed to know i didn't have time enough to pedal my ass up the huge hill and back before i got caught in the middle of it? how?

no fair, jimmy buffett. no fair.


PS you can shove your pina colada too, mister.

oi! let's go england!

i don't know if it was all the finger crossing or what, but i am happy to report i am not drunk tonight! woo! i am, however, tired and sentimental. (a fate worse that drunk? let's see how this plays out.)

first, the non-weepy part of my day. (yay!) I SAW MY FIRST RUGBY MATCH! i am in love - it's the best damn game ever! it combines all my favourite parts of football with a no-holds-barred attitude towards tackling and it moves at a much more frantic (read: not boring) pace than the nfl. it doesn't hurt that all the men are buff, sweaty, and burly. it's like watching a male supermodel pageant but with more swears and shorter shorts. (okay, some of the guys seriously looked like they had been hit upside the head with a 2x4. but thankfully they weren't the ones doing all the running and touchdown-ing in my end of the field.)

in other words: mmmmmmmmm.

also exciting (yay!) was that i got to practice my standard driving! i've only been out once before and i wasn't very successful. i find it interesting that you can throw 5 gears into the mix and i'm completely lost, yet i'm otherwise an extremely confident and able driver. after many stalls and jerky starts i sorta have the hang of it. (next step: get super fit on a bike so that i can become a tour guide in italy. DREAM BIG!)

the mellow part of my night (golf claps!) may have been quiet but was equally lovely. i hung out with my buddy morgan and made a delicious pasta and then went for a walk and talked about life. i'm telling you, sometimes you find commonality with someone else in places you'd least expect it. if all walks were like the one we took tonight, i'd invest in better shoes.

i really wanted to post my pictures of the rugby game. hopefully once i've caught up on my chores tomorrow i can carve out some time for this. i've also deferred my saturday crossword ritual to tomorrow, so who knows what kind of time i'll have after that's done.

...hopefully most of the clues are easily google-able and it doesn't take me 4 hours to finish it this time.

wait. what?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

not what i expected

yeesh. tonight was crazy. since it's already after midnight and i should really be hittin the hay, i'm going to make a list instead of write in full sentences. (take that all of my elementary school teachers. i make the rules now!) here are all the crazy parts of my night.

1. drunk by 7pm. and not just any drunk, the kind of drunk where you have to concentrate on walking straight so you don't look like a jackass in front of coworkers. and then cut yourself off before you almost fall off your chair again.

2. saw 3 really hilarious plays, sobered up midway through the 1st one, thank god.

3. got caught in the wickedest thunder storm we had so far this year. i'm talking torrential downpour, crazy thunder, lightening so bright the skies lit up, and wind that makes the rain blow sideways. best part? i was walking in it. the restaurants in the distillery district were "full to capacity" and wouldn't let us wait inside so we took refuge in a crazy art gallery/store. it was actually my first time in the distillery district and i have to say that i'm not impressed. not because it wasn't lovely (because i'm sure it is) but because it rained so hard. (i'm easy to sway.)

4. spent rest of night soaked to the bone and freezing.

now i'm home and i've got the post-drunk blues. tomorrow i vow to have a post that is neither trying too hard nor influenced by outside substances.

start crossing your fingers now, people.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

the belt line

went for another awesome ride tonight. i realized how slow i let myself go normally because i was biking with steph so i had to work extra hard to keep up. (not that she was trying to go fast, mind you. i'm just that out of shape after 2 years in my low rider office chair. complete with theme song!)

on the way back home after the ride (and after our park bench sesh wherein we made about 4 new friends in the matter of 1/2 an hour) i decided to yet again tackled the Dreaded Avenue Road Hill. (yes capitols. it's really freaking hard!) on my way up i realized that the way i bike up the hill is a lot like the way i work at the office. (humour me.)

1. i am an expert multitasker: whether it be balancing multiple projects or trying not to die while keeping my feet pedalling at a steady pace, i am a pro at juggling many things at once. (sometimes it feels like my heart is falling out of my body. awesome!)

2. i work hard where it counts: both at the office and on the bike, the game is mental and i am my best chearleader. (come on melissa! you're almost home! you can have nachos when you get in!)

3. i persevere: i never half finish a project at work, just like i never half finish a hill. (so what if i keep pedalling only because it's slightly faster than walking and i really, really had to pee.)

and finally

4. i am extremely motivated: you don't have to ask me twice to take on a project or pedal a little faster. (again. really, really had to pee.)

i'm totally adding these points to my resume.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

oh, the things i saw!

today was awesome! within the span of half an hour i saw the following:

1. a man with PAINTED ON eyebrows. and not just any sort of painted on eyebrows... painted on eyebrows that looked like milhouse's from the simpsons. (i'd post a picture to give you a visual but i'm scared of the simpson's lawyers.) they were painted-on black rectangles. rectangles!

2. an older-ish woman in a low cut black top. without a bra. on a bumpy bus. who subsequently made an old guy very happy by chatting him up about books for the entire time i was on the bus. i'm pretty sure she could have been talking about dryer lint and gramps would have still been as enraptured with the... conversation

and here's the sweet one:

3. a man who had obviously had a stroke walking slowly but surely down the bike/walk path by myself. even though he had trouble with his left foot (he sorta had to drag it a little) and his progress was slow, he was out and about in the fresh air and getting some exersize. inspirational.

as a result of #3, i vow never to complain about how much i hate to break a sweat anymore. (did i say never? how about for the next 2 days?)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

when jokes go bad!

alternate blog title: why you shouldn't confuse the poor foreign kids working at fast food restaurants.

the scene: mcdonald's at bay and dundas

the cast: me, the asshole who REFUSES to eat any condiment of any sort at any time, and the meek foreign cashier with limited english skills

essential information: there's a salmonella outbreak in the states so some restaurants in canada have temporarily removed tomatoes from their menus, mcdonald's being one of said restaurants.

me: hi. i'll have a regular burger with only lettuce, onions, and pickles. oh, and can you make sure to put on extra EXTRA tomatoes, please?

cashier, stone-faced and concentrating hard on punching in my special requests: only lettuce, onions, pickles --

me, interuppting because he clearly didn't get my hilarious joke about tomatoes: you know i was joking about the tomatoes, right?

cashier, more confused than ever: yes?


so my order comes up, i pop a squat to devour my burger and lo and behold i see that there is mayo on my burger. LOTS of mayo on my burger. i check out my order slip and this is what i see:

ONLY onion, pickle, lettuce
EXTRA mayo $

so i put on my detective cap and realize that the cashier thought i said extra MAYO instead of tomato. and he charged me extra for said mayo. which is a condiment. which is something i hate more than outhouses and unibrows combined.

despite the offending white stuff, i was a bit relieved to be honest: at least i knew then why the cashier didn't laugh at my awesome joke.

cause i mean really? that was a-grade material.

Monday, June 09, 2008

back in the saddle

i went for my first bike ride of the season tonight. yes, tonight... after the most humid day we've experienced thus far this summer. (i thought it was a good idea at the time?)

i knew i was in for it when i got to the air machine (is that even what it's called? it sounds like a really bad 80s hair band!) and instead of being free like it was a MONTH ago, it now costs $1 per fill up. wtf? $1 for air?! the thing i breathe every freaking day for free?! i shouldn't complain though... our gas stations obviously need the money more than i do, so in the end i was happy to give them my hard-earned loonie for air. they deserve it. (cough. cough.)

i guess the loss of change must have thrown off my balance though because as i stepped down off of the curb to fill my tires i twisted my ankle. (yes, again.) and since this happens so often i didn't even stop to assess, i just hopped on my bike and continued with my ride anyways. (don't they have a gold medal for being a trooper? no?)

1/2 an hour and 2 gallons of sweat later, i'm home. and in one piece. and with a swollen ankle. and a sore butt.

the upside? i'm pretty sure with just the sweat alone i lost 5 lbs! at this rate i'll be in a bikini by july!


wait, what?

Sunday, June 08, 2008

what happens when your closet breaks?

a story about my sunday, in pictures.

and yes, in case you're wondering, this all occured before 1pm.

so much for watching old episodes of the office and eating guacamole.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

melissa, master of puzzles!

so no funny grocery stories, sadly. i was in and out of there so quickly no one had the chance to let me catch them doing something dumb. i know, i know. i'm disappointed too.

i have, however, started a new saturday tradition that i'd like to share with you: the saturday star crosswords. i'm so excited about it you'd think that i am the first one ever to discover it. i keep running around the office and trying to share my joy but everyone always replies with some variation of "yeah, i do it every week. the saturday one is the most fun!" i start blocking most people out after they say this because invariably they go on to say how fast they can do it, how accurate they are etc. i am neither fast nor accurate, so their information bores me. (and by bore i mean makes me mad because i always have to be the best at stuff. obviously.)

anyways, so i set myself up this afternoon to begin my ritual (it's a ritual after 2 weekends straight, right?): pen, table tray, vitamin water, plus the crossword. (and the crossword solution! you know, just in case...) it takes me about 20 minutes to fill in all the blanks i know off the top of my head. then i go back and see if i can figure out any additional answers since more letters have been filled in.

then things get a little, um, creative. i pull up the following webpages (in no particular order): google,,, and wikipedia. i then proceed to google all the cryptic clues about famous baseball players from the 70s and random geography for cleveland that i absolutely have no clue about. (and don't even pretend you do either, coworkers! NO ONE knows who bert lyleven is. i'm sure of it.) you'd think that things would speed up here, but at this point i'm really only half way through... by the end of it, my head is throbbing, my back hurts from all the thinking (also why i never did any homework i didn't HAVE to do?), and my hands are black as tar.

despite all these obvious crossword-related illnesses, i've decided to stick this ritual out, if only for the bragging rights come monday morning when i can happily report to my coworkers what i've accomplished.

(and perhaps i'll also add in that i had no additional help and that it took me 30 minutes total to do both puzzles and that this is why the pay me the big bucks and aren't a smart little employee and perhaps a promotion is in my future and sure i'd love an office so that i can be even MORE productive than i already am and thanks for noticing).

Friday, June 06, 2008

from zero to thirty

yeesssh. it's hot out today and it's forecasted to be hot all weekend/next week. i'm a classic middle-of-the-road gal: i am happiest when it's not too hot/not too cold. at all other times i do what i do best... complain.

i think the hardest part about the heat is wardrobe selection. i basically have two choices: dress to sweat or dress to chafe. i usually opt for the to sweat fashion line because it hurts less. (what? it doesn't hurt when you sweat?) i always dress in layers anyways so if i'm too hot i take off the top layer and if i'm too cold i have a back up. this over-prepared mentality might be why my purse is so heavy and my desk drawers at work are full of soup, but that's a story for another day.

this is the perfect weekend for a bbq, and that's just what i'm planning on for sunday. my lovely friend cindy has invited me over for a southern style bbq. i don't really know what southern style actually means but i expect it to be spicy, full o' booze (or sweet tea!), and avocado-y. it sounds right up my alley.

i'm also hoping for a good grocery store story to blog about tomorrow. the grocery store is like the subway: full of idiots and sorta smelly. i have high hopes, people. high hopes!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

bus watch: day 2

still alive people! i must be doing something right!

so in my effort to follow my dreams (cue the violins) i've decided i should blog more. i am trepedacious for two (2) reasons:

1. because words on the internet are open to myriad interpretations


2. i'm scared of hate mail.

i think i'm okay though, since i am currently the only person reading my blog and i'm pretty sure i won't send myself hate mail (i'm not ruling this option out though... never say never!).

in any case, here i am. and i come bearing a story about taking public transit, which (as anyone in the know can vouch for) is a guaranteed good time.

scene: monday night, 5.35pm, waiting for the bus to take me up the big hill that i live on top of. i've secured a prime position at the edge of the sidewalk, right in front of where the front bus doors should open. i'm guaranteed a seat once the bus arrives, which is good because standing makes me sweat (it's a miracle my pants still fit really).

enter lady clad in long button down jean shirt with a bouncy tigger stiched on the front left hand side, leopard print leggings, and socks with faux crocs. she is also carrying a large package of value toilet paper. (awkward.) ms. thang squeezes herself in between myself and the elderly lady standing to my right. this is a well-known transit faux-pas but i let it slide. (mostly because at this point i'm still assessing her mental health and not getting stabbed on the bus platform is currently #3 on my to-do list.) for those not in the know re: transit etiquette, the #1 rule is "do not attempt to make conversation with your fellow transit riders." i live by this rule, not because i'm anti-social but because people are assholes and i make it a priority not to rile the beast with banal conversation (see also #3 on my to-do list).

so of course ms. thang starts chatting me up:

her: when's this bus going to come? have you been waiting long?

me: no, not really. i bet that there's traffic coming down the hill though and 2 or 3 buses will all show up at the same time. this always happens during rush hour.

(as i say this i assess her sketchy-factor and decide she's okay, just impatient like me... maybe we have more in common than i thought!)

her: well i hope it comes soon. i have foot problems.

(whoa. she has foot problems too? and likes to complain to strangers about them? dang, yo! she's just like me, except she loves value toilet paper and animal print!)

me: well i'm sure you'll get a seat. my feet are hurting too.

(i'll never miss an opportunity to complain about foot pain. never.)

her: i have to get home to do my typing test. i'm taking a course and i need to take a test about my typing.

(okaaay. now she's losing me. the only thing i can think of to to say at this point was that they taught us how to type in the 4th grade and now i'm like the world's fastest typer. but i don't want to show her up so i don't say anything.)



her: i am taking a course. and i need to practise my typing!

me, awkwardly: yeah. the bus will come soon.

(where is the fucking bus????)

her: it's going to take me forever to get home, i live all the way at the end of the loop.

(i have no clue where that is exactly, but i know it's far. and don't i feel like an asshole now for taking the bus up 3 fucking stops. and i don't even have a typing test to do later. i just want to get home fast so i can take off my pants and eat cheese.)

like god was listening to my thoughts about cheese, the bus appears. i would have felt worse about my conversation skills had i not heard my new BFF chatting with someone on the bus about how much she paid for her toilet paper. after i heard that, i was just thankful it wasn't me anymore.

anyways. some future possible story ideas include how i got kicked off my subway train today because it stopped working (TTC: the slowest way... to get to work possible) and that time i yelled at the lady in the fur coat (seriously, who fucking wears a fur coat when riding public transit??).

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

what happens when your dreams come true?

wow, peeps. june 4th shall happily go down in the history books for me...

today i met my idol.

today i conquered my fear yet again.

today i was a little more ready.

today i said my piece.

today i shone.

today i knew what to expect.

today i did good.

today someone special to me heard what was in my heart.

needless to say, it meant a lot to me. i've been looking for some sort of sign about the direction my life needs to take, and today i was given a clear message.

i get it. and i'm going to waste no time trying to make reality the whispers that have been circling for some time.

i feel good, people. i feel really good.

all love,

PS i always secretly wondered if when your dreams finally came true and when things were just as good as they possibly could be, it was a sure sign that you'd be hit by a speeding bus in one of life's little ironies. i'll keep you posted on this. (or not, depending on whether or not i'm dead.)

Monday, June 02, 2008

Things One Finds in the Park

1. ladybugs having sex (yes, that's my own photographic artistry you're witnessing! i'm the richard avedon of ladybug boudoir photography.)

2. dogs playing fetch

3. people chatting

4. random homeless guy scratching his armpits (true story!)

5. old people going at it

i should probably expand on number 5, shouldn't i?

so today i wait for the bus for 10 minutes, take the bus exactly 3 stops (yes, it would have been faster to walk, but i like to get my $2.75 worth!) (okay, not really. i'm just that lazy.) and decide to get off at the park and check it out. this park has been exactly 3 minutes from my house for 3 years and yet i've never ever set foot in it. it always looked nice and i've thought about going in a lot, but it's right across from the burger shack so in the battle of park vs. fresh-never-frozen-tasty burgers it always loses. (um, obviously.)

anyways, so for whatever reason i decide today's the big day (somewhere, a lonely uncooked burger is crying out in shame) and walk in. first thing i see: homeless guy scratching his armpits. i quickly tuck away my ipod because the dude looks a little sketchy and frankly i don't want to be jumped behind the tree and lose all of my carefully cultivated jason mraz collection. the view of the park from the street makes it seem tiny; i discover that, in fact, it is not. beyond the homeless guy i see that the part of the park facing eglinton is actually a sort of plateau and that it rolls down down down to a valley below. a valley filled with dogs! and people! and parking! and a playground! and baseball diamond! in other words: it's fucking huge.

so i pick a good viewing spot atop the hill and settle in to ponder deep thoughts (tonight's dinner: frittata!), contemplate my life thus far (happily burger-filled), and speculate about the breed of dog i'll get when i'm thirty (answer: boston terrier). i'm thoroughly enjoying everything about my little jaunt and take it all in: in front of me two dogs are sniffing each others' butts (is there anything more beautiful?), to the right a lovely little grove of trees are in full bloom, and to the left is an old couple going at it under the cover of a canopy of trees.

wait. what?

i cannot stop staring. this is like full on porno make out. he's rubbing her butt and her hands are in his hair and there are tongues flying around at ungodly angles. i watch for a minute expecting it to end any second (don't you have teenagers to feed? an aging golden retriever to walk?) but it just. keeps. GOING!

oh, wait. finally. they've stopped. they are chatting with someone and there's the aging golden retriever. so they were here walking the dog after all!

oh. no. wait. that was not their dog! and now they are groping each other again. this is just like tv, except older!

all in all i watched them for about 10 minutes. 10 minutes of full-on, clothes-on foreplay. they got interrupted again and decided to take things home, i guess.

seriously, though? it. was. inspirational. (unless, of course, this was their 2nd -- 3rd? 4th? -- marriage and they are still in the honeymoon phase... old people can have honeymoon phases, right?) i mean, if 65 year olds are still that much in love after all those years together that they have to absolutely have a hardcore makeout sesh in the park in front of god, the homeless guy, and all those dogs then what the fuck is my problem? (yes, if you're wondering, it all does come back to down to me.)

note to melissa: must get eglinton park make out partner STAT. preferably someone adorable, hilarious, and smarter than me. (i know, i know... aim high, right?)