From Miserable to California in 3 Days

I.
Am.
Miserable.

I have a chest cold - AGAIN - and I can't stop complaining. I'm snotty, I'm whiny, I'm wheezy, and I'm crabby. I almost yelled at the couple in front of me at the bank because they didn't know what a PIN was; I just about pushed this dude out of my way at the drugstore because he was blocking the cough syrup I wanted; I am about to go apeshit on my neighbour because she's retarded and just started her laundry now - 7.45pm - and the machines are supposed to be off at 9pm.

I'm no fun, no fun at all.

I've tried everything to perk up my mood: I ordered Pizza Hut (mmmm... cheese!), I watched 30 Rock (mmmmm... Tina Fey!), I looked at my pictures from my last trip to Cali (mmmm... the beach!)... and no dice. I'm destined to be grumpy until I can breathe normally again and can bury my feet in warm sand.

But - I won't submit you to listening to me complain for a whole blog. I'm going to put on my big girl panties, forget about The Grumps, and make a little list of all the fun California things I'm planning so that you can get super jealous and I can get super excited. Hopefully we'll both come out the other side thinking how lucky I am to be embarking on The Best Vacation Ever.

1. The Beach. God, I love the beach. The whoosh of the waves, the crisp salty air, the dirty needles, the dead fish. It's like Eden, except without trees and Satan.

Seriously, though, how can you not be happy at the beach? It's so relaxing. The first thing I'm going to do after picking my pal Rikki up is hightail it to a beach, plop my tired ass down, and be quiet. I think I can convincingly argue that the last couple of months have been quite hectic for me, so I deserve a good solid afternoon of communing with the water and letting all my stresses go. Ahhhh. I'm starting to relax already.

2. The Concerts. I can think of nothing more exciting than a Jason Mraz concert in his adopted hometown on Halloween. And then I get to do it all again in LA the next night. It's basically going to be a double-dose of joy and hilarity, and I can't wait.

3. The Halloween Costume. I can't tell you what it is yet, but I can tell you it's going to be good. Very a pros pos, very riske, very... hilarious. It's like all of my dreams coming true in one outfit? Really. Expect pictures this weekend!

4. The Ellen Degeneres Show. I don't know what a VIP ticket means, but I have one and I'm thrilled! I'm hoping it means that we get massages, overflowing and extravagant gift bags, a fireplace heated only by burning $50 bills, and a pony. I'll be happy with good seats and a handshake from Ellen, though.

5. The iO West. I've been taking classes here in Toronto in the same style of improv as these folks preform and I'm excited to get a taste of what it's like LA-style. I imagine it'll be just the same, except warmer and with more sand in the underpants? Either way, it'll be interesting to check it out. Hopefully there will be friendly audience members that will want to take me under their wing and hang out with me (desperate = me). I'm flying solo for about 5 days and I'm hoping to make some friends. And by friends I mean rich men who will marry me so I can get US citizenship and leave behind the snow and cold and soul-crushing-ness of Canada.

6. The Spring Awakening & Wicked. I've been dying to see Spring Awakening since I bought the Original Cast Recording off of Itunes a couple of months ago. Lucky me, the tour just so happens to be stopping in LA while I'm there! Now I don't have to wait until May of next year to get my teenage sex on in Toronto (read the synopsis here so that the previous joke makes sense and is not just super creepy). And even though I've seen Wicked too many times to put on a blog so that everyone can make fun of me for being a loser, I'm going again while I'm out in LA. Megan Hilty is closing the LA run of the show and I thought it would be nice to see her again while I can. She's a really hilarious Glinda and I think it'll be really interesting to see how/if her performance has evolved.

Plus I am just a huge geek and will go see Wicked wherever/whenever I can. There. I said it. Shaaaaaaaaaaaame.

7. The Kyle Riabko. All my music friends seem to like him, so I'm excited to check him out and see what all the fuss is about. Plus, he's Canadian so we will probs bond over poutine and Stephen Harper and be bffs 4 lyfe.

8. The Seeing the Hills Being Filmed. I can't wait to blow the lid off of the biggest secret since Jesus being a father: the Hills is fake y'all, and I aim to prove it. I'll see you on the mean streets of Hollywood, LC. I'll be the one with my papparazzi camera following you wherever you go. No, not him. The chick. No, the one with the Tina Fey glasses. Nono, the one to her left. In the green. Yep. Yep! ME. Your worst nightmare!

I think that's it? I mean, I'm sure there's more. But my ass is starting to hurt and I'm so whoozy from The Sickness I can't really be bothered to keep typing. Plus, I have to yell at my retarded neighbour re: her retardness so it's best I stop here for now.

I'm planning on blogging my entire trip anyways so expect lots more starting this weekend.

Until then, friends...
m.