Saturday, December 27, 2008

So That Was Christmas

So I am finally able to waddle from my couch to my desk and sit down without significant breathing issues to type up this blog.

I ate.

A lot.

But who can blame me when there was bacon and roast beef and stuffing and potatoes and nacho dip and pie and buttertarts? And that was just one meal! (Ha!)

My holiday trip up north started, unfortunately, on a sour note. After a significant snowfall on the 23rd, my driveway was predictably a mess on the 24th. After spending the better part of an hour digging my car out, I triumphantly headed back towards the house to load up and hit the road. I was just about to step inside when I saw it out of the corner of my eye: the worst, heaviest, dirtiest, tallest snowbank piled into my driveway by the city snowplows, blocking my exit to the street and effectively killing any Christmas Spirit I had managed to amass in the preceding days.

Actually, that's not true. The thought of shovelling that giant pile of snow killed most of my Christmas Spirit: the rest was killed when none of my neighbours came out to help me and when a truck drove by me as I was shovelling and went through a huge puddle (it was more like a Great Lake, really...) and splashed me head to toe in freezing, dirty, Hepatitis C street water.

I believe the exact words that came out of my mouth were "JESUS HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!" as I stood there in my soaking wet boots and started sobbing instantly.

Merry Christmas, right?

Anyways... My pants and my tears eventually dried and I hit the road. The first thing I noticed when I got out of the city? They have a LOT more snow up north than we do.


And keep in mind these pictures were taken after 2 days of mild weather that made a lot of the snow melt. Yeesh.

Anyways. Christmas Eve was lovely. We watched some second rate movie about a retarded reindeer that couldn't fly and got chased by angry gay German wolves (??!). I also kicked my Nan's ass at Jeopardy, which is a favourite hobby of mine. I even rocked the Final Jeopardy question when 2 of the other contestants (and my Nan!) couldn't get it right. What is A Christmas Carol, bitches!!

After my rousing tivia victory, a little snack, and some more Christmas TV fare, we hit the hay fairly early in anticipation of Santa's arrival. I actually even managed to sleep in until 8am, which was in itself a sort of Christmas miracle. I was totally the kid who was up every hour on the hour and then was out of bed by 6am, on pins and needles in front of the tree waiting for the rest of the house to get up. It truly is a testiment to my maturity and patience (right...) that I am now able to sleep in until 8am.

Actually, not only did I sleep in until 8am, but I also went to church Christmas morning with my pops, which I'd never done before. Sometimes we go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve but we've never actually gone Christmas morning, what with the present opening and bacon eating and fighting with my brother-ing. It actually felt kinda good, like maybe I really am getting more mature and patient after all. Plus I really, really like to sing all the carols. I'm just saying I know all the verses to "O Come All Ye Faithful" in Latin. No big deal. I'm a genius. No big deal.

In a Keown/Joseph family record, we didn't get to opening presents until nearly 11am. My bro slept in so we all had to wait around for him to get over to Nan's before we could tear into our parcels. Apparently it's uncouth to just get started without the whole family there? Sheesh. So many rules.

I was a very lucky girl this Christmas and walked away with many, many wonderful gifts including:

1. camera lens (more on that later)
2. Uggs (in the new, trendy grey! Adorable!)
3. digital photo frame to showcase all my fine, fine pictures (it'll probably just end up being filled with all my airport Michael Cera pictures though. Let's be honest.)
4. the best perfume ever - Warm Cotton by Fresh (mmm... Laundry!)
5. books (Edgar Sawtelle, which I started already and am loving, and Waiter Rant, which I know I'll love due to my 8 years of slavery as a waitress at East Side Mario's)

And a few other things that were equally as lovely but probably boring for you to read about.

So regarding my new camera lens... I really think I never truly knew what love was until I got this lens. Within the first 2 frames, I knew it was meant to be. It's sleek, it's fast, it makes the background super blurry: in other words, it is the perfect lens for me.

I mean, really? Who knew a picture of jam could be so lovely??! And yes, that is my Nan's blueberry pie. Swoooon.

So because we got a late start on presents, we got a late start on breakfast; before I knew it, it was time to load the car and head over for dinner at my Uncle Barrie & Auntie Anne's place. They live out near lake Rosseau in a beautiful house on the water. It has heated floors, which is exactly what my idea of heaven is: as long as my feet are pleasantly warm, I will be a happy girl.

Dinner was a typical family event: lots of food, lots of kids, and too many dishes that I got guilted into drying instead of playing with my little cousins downstairs. There was even a wii in house this year so it was extra hard to pull myself away. Actually, it was probably a blessing in disguise as I am fucking terrible at MarioKart. I played an entire round against my cousin looking at the wrong screen... Whoops?

My no-longer-so-little cousin Sydney, in the reindeer antlers I forced her to wear.

My neice Haley was happier about the headgear.

Syd and her new Canon - the brand that gets the Melissa seal o' approval (for whatever that is worth...). This was also my attempt to deflect her taking a picture of me. Sneaky!

The most adorable dog on the planet and stealer of my heart: Nash.

The Nanster and the Momster.

Despite all the glad tidings and season's greetings and camera lenses and Uggs, the best gift I could have ever asked for was actually given to me quite unexpectly on my drive home from Parry Sound after Christmas dinner. Did you know that there is a store on the 400 (link for the non-locals - it's a highway, FYI) called - wait for it - DOCK IN A BOX??! I shit you not... Dock? In a Box!

I obviously read it as Dick in a Box (aka my favourite holiday song) when I first spotted it: it appeared from out of the black night like a beautiful, hilarious mirage. I just about died - literally as I swerved out of my lane a little from laughing so hard and almost ran into an SUV (whatever, yuppie bastard, it was hilarious).

So if ever you are in the market for a dock anytime in the near future, please I beg of you, purchase one from this cheekily named store. Do it for me and for all people who took one look at the sign and thought immediately of Justin Timberlake sporting a fu manchu with a present affixed to his crotch.

Hope you all had as happy and as bacon-filled (seriously, I think I ate about 13 pieces of bacon... I would apologize for my gluttony but I'm not sorry. Not sorry at all!) a holiday as I did.

And as my Nan did. See below.


emily said...

Did you use LED lights on your tree? My parents did this year, and I found them to be less illuminating than the old fashioned kind... I like the old fashioned kind better :)

Chickpea said...

how cute is your nana!

Melissa said...

hmmm... i didn't notice to be honest. my nan does frequent canadian tire (big canadian hardware chain) a lot so i wouldn't be surprised if those were a. new and b. those LED jobbies.
...she also probably has 5 sets of fully working christmas lights laying around the house somewhere. see my previous post re: my nan being a baller.

Cubbi said...

I have a sudden craving for Shirriff's Good Morning Marmalade....

Glad you enjoyed your time with your family and your nan!


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