Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Best Last Day of 2008, Ever

Ahhh. Here I sit at my desk at work, enjoying some classic rock jams with the 5 work colleagues that deigned to come in to work today. We just listened to Fire and Rain by James Taylor (I may or may not have been singing along at the top of my lungs...) and Candle in the Wind by Elton John is up next (apparently we're on the "songs about dead women" portion of the playlist?).

Not a bad December 31st, 2008 if I do say so myself.

So before I kick off my 2008 recap list, I want to recreate a little dialogue between my Nan and I on Christmas Eve that will be relevant to tomorrow's post (you may want to take notes, class).

Picture it: we're all sitting around the dinner table, my Nan, my mom and dad, my brother and his girlfriend and her two kids, and my uncle and aunt. We just finished a big meal and we're chatting about the plans for the next day.

Nan: Meliss, are you staying over tomorrow night?

Me: No, Nan, I'm leaving to go back to Toronto after Christmas dinner.

Nan: Oh. (Pauses.) So soon??! (Gives me the winky eye.)

Me: (Eyes her skeptically.) Yeah...

Nan: (The winky eye picks up speed.) Hmm. (Pauses. More winky eye.) You gotta a boyfriend to go home to, is that why you're rushing back??!

Entire family: (Leans in, hangs on every word.)

Me: (Racking brain to try to come up with an answer that doesn't hint at the truth of the matter - ie that I'm rushing back because I don't want to sleep on her uncomfortable goddamn pullout couch and because I hate leaving my cats alone on Christmas. In other words: I care too much about where I sleep and I'm too much of a cat lady to have a boyfriend, which they obviously do NOT need to know...) Uh, no. That's not why I'm "rushing" back, Nan.

Nan: (Folds her arms and pauses dramatically.) Well, why don't you have a boyfriend, then? (Winky eye goes into overdrive.)

Me: (Dies.) Uh. (Dies.) I. (Dies.) I? (In a flash of genius.) Because no one is good enough for me Nan!!

I flashed her a triumphant grin, but I don't think I fooled her. I don't think I fooled her at all. She's a good Nan though, so she steered the conversation over to why my brother doesn't have a job and with that I was off the hook. Phew.

So aside from that little moment of awkwardness, 2008 was a pretty good year. Yeah, there were the usual dramas (some bigger than others) but all in all everything worked out pretty good for me. In fact, I would probably say 2008 was my best adult year yet. Here's a recap of some of the monthly highlights for you.


Cali-fucking-fornia! Every year on the Martin Luther King weekend I join my American friends in Oceanside for a long weekend of revelling, singing, dancing (stealing things-ing?), ocean-ing, laughing, eating, not sleeping. Add some acid washed skinny jeans and an adorable accoustic rhymer to the mix, and you've got a weekend dreams are made of. Firsts for me on this trip included going boogie boarding, eating In-N-Out, and seeing Leon's long ball. Needless to say, it was awesome.


Was boring. Did nothing but work. I don't even remember what I did for Valentine's Day. Knowing me I probably hung out with my cats and talked about how much I love them.


Birthday month! This year my birthday feel right smack on Easter Sunday. This was both good and bad: bad because it meant that my normally lame and lonely birthday was even more so as everyone was out of town and not in the mood to get me wasted, but good because I could make a lot of jokes about Jesus and because I could finally drink Coke again as Lent was over. I'm not a crazy Catholic (despite the recent mentions of going to church) but I do enjoy giving something up for Lent and making jokes about giving stuff up for Lent (ex: "Oh, sorry! I can't work today because I'm giving up work for Lent." Or: "Can I have the elevator key, please? I gave up going up stairs for Lent." Etc. etc. etc.). So the timing was kind of perfect, all in all.

I also went to Florida right before my birthday and took advantage of the profitable exchange rate by buying my Canon XTi digital SLR. As you can tell even by a cursory glance at this blog, I take a lot of pictures so my "good" camera, as I call it, has come in mighty handy. I also stocked up on Vitamin Water, Yankee Candles, and adorable outfits from Target. The highlight, however, was the marathon 13 hour day at Magic Kingdom with my little cousins, which was capped off by 8 consecutive rides on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, AKA my favourite roller coaster EVER. It's got just the right amount of scary-to-fun ratio.

Look how much fun those adorable FLDS members are having at the front of the train!


This month marked the beginning of my 2008 Mrazventures. I drove to Pennsylvania for a couple of shows and hit up a show in Montreal and Toronto. Despite being what others affectionately call "a superfan", I hadn't really seen Jason live since 2005, so I was due for a good run of shows. April also marks my first hardcore solo roadtrip experience. I drove by myself for 7 hours to get to the shows in Pennsylvania and then turned around and drove the 7 hours home overnight. I love to sleep and am a bad night driver so it was a mark of my new-found fortitude that I was actually able to complete this drive in one piece.

I was also at my first Mraz show with a girl-on-girl fist fight this month. Word to the wise: do not fuck with a drunk 18 year old at the University of Pittsburgh. She'll fuck you up.


Not much notable aside from my roadtrip to Detroit for another Mraz show. I also met and saw Justin Nozuka and Matt Nathanson for the first time. Similar to the University of Pittsburgh show, don't fuck with a drunk 16 year old that wants to get a picture of Jason singing I'm Yours. She'll attempt to crawl between your legs, making it look like you're giving birth to a surly 16 year old. And then she'll fuck you up.


My best month of 2008, if only because on June 4th one of my biggest goals in life and something I never expected to ever to come true happened: I met my hero Rosie O'Donnell. I know, I know... Half you reading the blog might sorta get it, and the other half will probably be like "oh, I never knew Melissa was a lesbian!" Well, no, Nan, I am not a lesbian (ha!), I just happen to really really like Rosie. I was a big devotee of her talk show back in the day (even being lucky enough to get to see her live twice, once in NYC and the other in Florida when she did her yearly week-at-Disney treks) and really appreciated her sense of humour. More than that I feel like I just get her, like on some level I connect with who she is.

Anyways. The point is is that I finally fucking met her. And not just met her, but was blown away by meeting her. I was the most nervous I've ever been for anything in my life ever at any moment and was starting to obsessively go over the different things I would like to say to her when we met. I've met people that I've loved and respected a lot before and so I've learned by experience that you have to go in without any expectations or pre-conceived notions whatsoever or else you'll end up being disappointed everytime, so naturally my pre-meeting nerves were starting throwing off my good sense. Thus, I ended up scrapping all my scenarios and decided to go in with something funny and non-commital and came up with the best schtick I could considering my nerves: I was going to make a joke about drug addiction. It was risky, but it was all I had...

So it's finally my turn at the gate and manage to make it up the stairs (a minor miracle considering I couldn't feel my feet) and I head towards her and the fan that they had set up to cool off the stage area (there were a lot of bodies crowded in there and with the lights and everything it was very, very warm). I sort of pushed my face into the fan a little and let it blow through my hair and then I turned to her and said "Rosie, I am the world's most nervous girl right now!" and because she's nice she grabbed me and hugged me and then I said to her "I feel like Marilyn Monroe, except 50lbs heavier and not addicted to quaaludes!" She didn't laugh at all (boo! I bombed!), and we sort of carried the conversation on and chatted about me seeing her show in NYC (and how I didn't get picked to be the opening announcer even though I made an awesome sign that referenced Elaine motherfucking Stritch). After a small lull in the conversation and as I was about to thank her and turn and leave, she looked at me and said simply, "you should be a comedy writer."

I died. I mean, she didn't even laugh at my quaaludes joke or my Elaine Stritch story! I thought I bombed!

Not to mention that the first thing that popped into my mind in the moment was "Barbara Walters is right. Rosie O'Donnell is on fucking crack! I could never be a comedy writer" but what came out of my mouth was "Oh my God, Rosie! That is my biggest dream!" Um, really? I had no clue...

Our conversation continued for a few minutes, but that moment stayed with me. In fact, more than any other single moment in my life thus far, it spawned a movement within me to reach towards my goals and become the Melissa I Was Meant To Be. All very dramatic for a joke about quaaludes, right?

And if for a second you don't believe that any of this is true - look over at the side bar. Do you see when this blog really started taking off? That's right. JUNE. I rest my case.


It was hot out.


Uh, August was interesting. Mostly for the job drama I so bravely endured. But that's a story for another blog at another time when I can talk about such things freely (if you catch my drift). Suffice it to say I got to sleep in a lot and read the entire Twilight series in a week. And yes, the chaste vampire sex in book 4 was worth it.


See August, but add in a happy ending. Life works in mysterious ways, my friends.

This was also My Most Awesome Month of My Boyfriend Michael Cera: I got to go to the Nick and Norah premiere and ask him a question that made him really super awkward (kicking off the theme for all subsequent encounters I'd have with Michael Cera: me making him really super awkward), and found all those amazing videos of him online. Little did I know at that point that it was only a preview of things to come...


More Mraz, more Cali-fucking-fornia. I had originally planned this trip during the dark period of August and September, when I wanted to kick the writing thing into high gear and get my butt to LA to visit with my cousin (who is a very talent and successful screenwriter) and see if I liked the city enough to live there someday. See November for my verdict on whether or not I could ever live in LA.


Verdict? Totally fucking liveable. Everyyyone complains about how awful LA is and how they hate living there. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian and thus tend to see the best in people, maybe it's because I hate the fucking snow so much that I would live anywhere warm, or maybe it's because I was spoiled by staying in West Hollywood the entire time and thus was not exposed to the grit and grime that is the rest of LA, but fuck I liked it there. They have Jamba Juice! And Pinkberry! And The Griddle! And James Vanderbeek in a comedy club! I mean, what's not to love??!

Now all I need to do is find a desperate American that is willing to trade my health care for their work permit and get hitched to me. I could make it worth their while in poutine........

And this brings us to.............. DECEMBER:

December was definitely a feel-good month for me, looking back on all I've accomplished and the major push my life has given me to move forward with my goals and dreams. I feel more content and at ease than I ever have before and so I am really looking forward to 2009 with this amazing forward momentum I've got going.

Plus, I mean, I fucking was on a plane with My Boyfriend Michael Cera. If that doesn't make 2008 the best year ever, then I don't know what the fuck would.

Happy New Year, friends! I hope 2009 brings you Your Boyfriend on a plane.

PS - Wipe the crusties from your eyes, down some water and aspirin, and check the blog tomorrow for my Official 2009 New Year's Resolution post. It's the perfect cure for every hangover!*

*No, it's not.

1 comment:

saranoh! said...

i like your blog. srsly. you're a very talented and charismatic writer and i find myself laughing through each entry (eeeeeeven when i've already heard all the stories in weet).

your rosie-endorsed dream is totally doable.

and remember: a dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep.

that COULD have been poignant and apropos... but i'm pretty sure it was just plain lame.