Friday, January 30, 2009

Melissa's Fake Dialogues with Celebrities: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

Those of you who know me in real life know that I have a super creepy wealth of celebrity knowledge. The same mechanism in my brain that allows me to kick my Nan's ass at Jeopardy by remembering really random facts about really random things has also allowed me to retain a catalogue of the minutiae of celebrity gossip from the past 10 years or so.

Also, if you've seen the storage space under the stairs in my apartment you know it's filled with back issues of People Magazine and US Weekly dating back to 2003 that I re-read periodically for fun. So, there's also that. (I call it the National Geographic collection for stupid, vain people: just as many exposed boobs, -50% of the educational value!)

So in an effort to put all that knowledge and history to good use and also for a laugh, I've come up with a little weekly pop culture post I've so aptly titled "Melissa's Fake Dialogues with Celebrities" wherein I'll be imagining what a conversation between myself and a given celebrity would probably be like. Exciting, right?

Naturally, in my many years of gossip-following, I've read more about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie than I have about any other celebrity couple. I get it - not only are they the world's most beautiful people, but they keep popping out the world's most beautiful babies in exotic locales around the world. They are also, like, super philanthropic and shit and in some pretty good movies too. Mostly, I think of them in my lowest moments and say "What the fuck, God?", cause you know some people just have all the luck and it's not fair.

Thusly, here's what I imagine a dialogue between Hollywood's hottest couple and yours truly would be like. Enjoy.

Melissa: Hello! Hello Brad, hello Angelina!
Angelina Jolie: Please, call me Angie.
M: (Dies.) Alright, Angie. So you both have had an incredible year what with your double Oscar nominations and double bundles of joy! Have you picked out your dress yet, Angie?
A: We've been so busy with Brad's promotion schedule and the kids that I really haven't had the chance to think that far ahead yet. I'm sure I'll have something picked out in the coming weeks, though.
Brad Pitt: What I love about Angie is that she has such an eye for the exact thing that looks good on her. She can look at a dozen dresses and within 5 minutes have something absolutely perfect selected.
M: I've noticed that you've been coordinating your outfits lately. Any plans to do that on Oscar night, as well?
B: It's funny, we were looking at pictures from the SAG awards the other day and realized that we unintentionally wore matching outfits. We don't plan it that way, we swear!
M: Do you guys even wear matching underwear? Cause I could totally picture you Brad in some, like, super tight bulge-hugging boxer briefs that...
B: (Interrupting.) Excuse me?
M: Sorry. Sorry! Um, moving on. Both of you have done a lot of philanthropic work around the world. Angie you even went to Iraq recently. What was that experience like?
A: Is your hand on Brad's knee?
M: (Pauses.) No? (Removes hand from Brad's knee.)
A: (Clears her throat.) Well. (Stern glare.) Iraq was a really eye-opening experience for me. The people there are so loving and joyful, despite these terribly destitute conditions that they are subject to. I only wish that - what are you doing?
B: (To Angie.) I think... I think she's doing lunges? (To Melissa.) Are you doing lunges?
M: (Lunging.) Yes?
A: (Confused.) What... what for?
M: (Lunging.) It... helps me loosen up? I'm... I'm just really nervous.
B: Well could you stop please, it's making me uncomfortable.
M: Oh. Well, sure. (Stops lunging.) Soooooooooooooooo. Did you guys know I was on a plane with Michael Cera from LA to Toronto once? I took his picture while he was filling out his customs forms and he was super pissed...
B: That's really intrusive, you know! I think we're just about done here.
M: Oh yeah, that's right! You once had a paparazzo take a shot of your wang while you were out naked on your deck or something, right? I saw those! I mean, all things told... not bad, my friend, not bad! (Nudges Angelina conspiratorially.) Right? Am I right?
A: (Getting up.) We're leaving. Brad?
B: You're a psycho. We're out. (They exit quickly.)
M: But wait! I didn't get to ask you if you guys will adopt me yet! Guys? Angie? Brad? ... Oh.

Something like that. I have a feeling it that most of the awkwardness that would be there in person doesn't really translate to the page, though.

Tune in next week when I fake sit down with another celebrity and have a fake dialogue with them about fake stuff.



Anonymous said...

That is frickin hillarious!!!!!

I love it! First time here - I found you through Jennsylvania.

Check out my blogs if you can sometime... &

Sara NoH said...

i love that you did lunges in front of brad.

NayNay said...

*cackle* all i can think of is the What's In That Cup video and your lunges therein....


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